How to Divorce Well – A Family Law Perspective

Divorce can never be easy – it is after all a significant life changing event – however I set out below factors/pointers which, if borne in mind, will enable you to have a good, or at least a “good enough” divorce or separation, which should always be the goal and aim.

Why is a good divorce preferable?

This is not just for your own wellbeing and that of your former spouse or partner. It is also essential if you have children, and helpful to  family and friends who wish to continue to have a relationship with your former partner. Adult children, family members and friends should not be asked to take sides, or feel that they have to. If you have children you will have an ongoing connection with your ex. Your children are likely to want to invite both their parents and any new partners to events such as weddings, christenings, birthday parties, for whom anything but  a cordial atmosphere will be problematic.

How to achieve a ‘good’ divorce

Respect/trust – it is often very easy to consider matters only from our own perspective. On relationship breakdown, it is often difficult to respect and trust your former partner as an individual, remembering that you were once in a loving partnership. Try to put your feelings to one side, rather than treating your former partner as your enemy or aggressor. Not only does this disarm their hostility, but it will make you feel less stressed.

How can I win in my divorce?

There are no ‘winners’ or ‘losers’ in family law. Do not treat the resolution of matters as a business transaction—or a transaction at all. The aim is not to win, but to reach a fair outcome that meets both of your needs and those of your children, taking your circumstances into account. Remember the discussions and agreements you made during your relationship or at separation. Pursuing legal points for a perceived advantage can lead to lengthy, costly proceedings and create unnecessary conflict, affecting not only you and your former partner but also those around you.

What if we are not on the same page?

Take time and avoid acting with undue haste. At the start of any formal process, you and your former partner may be in very different emotional places—particularly if the separation followed an affair or came as a complete shock to one spouse. The affected partner may feel anger, hurt, betrayal, or loss, and pushing them to address matters too quickly can lead to avoidance, resentment, and further conflict. With time, these feelings often ease, allowing space for more constructive and positive decisions. For this reason, I always advise allowing the other spouse time to “catch up” emotionally.

How can I get support through my divorce?

Support/counselling can be so helpful.  This could be joint counselling which enables a couple to acknowledge the feelings and impact that their separation/the breakdown in the marriage has upon each other.  That acknowledgement and understanding should assist in better communication and constructive discussions and so contribute to a consensual resolution. Individual counselling can also help you to think positively about your new future.  If counselling is not your thing then maybe to speak to friends.  Their support will be invaluable but don’t forget that they are more likely to tell you what you want to hear.

Who do I speak to about getting a divorce?

Knowledge is power. I always recommend seeking early advice from a specialist family lawyer. Investing in that initial information-gathering stage helps you understand the likely outcomes and parameters in your circumstances, enabling more constructive discussions. To do this effectively, you must provide your solicitor with clear and accurate information.

Early advice can also reduce the uncertainty many people feel at the outset. An unknown future can feel frightening, and that fear often leads to paralysis or a lack of engagement. Reliable information and realistic specialist advice can instead support collaborative, positive discussions.

A solicitor can also guide you through the different ways to reach a resolution, including negotiation through solicitors, mediation, direct discussions, or what lawyers call an early neutral evaluation. Court proceedings should always be a last resort and, with the right approach, can often be avoided.

How not to achieve a ‘good’ divorce

Do not transfer your anxiety or anger to your children. If you have school-age children, you must work together to agree arrangements and ensure transitions between homes are smooth and feel natural for them. Their welfare should always come first.

Children often look to their parents for “permission” to enjoy time with the other parent. Parenting should never become a competition over time spent with the children, nor should arrangements be influenced by financial considerations. Many adults whose parents separated remember how upsetting it was to witness arguments or feel caught between them, and this can affect their own relationships later in life.

Research shows that difficult separations can harm children’s wellbeing and mental health. Try to support their emotional strength and resilience by reassuring them that they are loved by both parents and belong in both families. Avoid criticising the other parent in front of them, involving them in adult disputes, or using them to pass messages. Let them simply enjoy being children.