How to Divorce Well – A Family Law Perspective

Divorce can never be easy – it is after all a significant life changing event – however I set out below factors/pointers which, if borne in mind, I hope will enable you to have a good, or at least a “good enough” divorce or separation, which should always be the goal and aim.

This is not just for your own wellbeing and that of your former spouse or partner. It is also essential if you have children, and helpful to  family and friends who wish to continue to have a relationship with your former partner. Adult children, family members and friends should not be asked to take sides, or feel that they have to. If you have children you will have an ongoing connection with your ex. Your children are likely to want to invite both their parents and any new partners to events such as weddings, christenings, birthday parties, for whom anything but  a cordial atmosphere will be problematic.

I hope the following pointers,  in no particular order, will be of help to achieve this:

• Respect/trust – it is often very easy to consider matters only from our own perspective. On relationship breakdown, it is often difficult to respect and trust your former partner as an individual, remembering that you were once in a loving partnership. Try to put your feelings to one side, rather than treating your former partner as your enemy or aggressor. Not only does this disarm their hostility, but it will make you feel less stressed.

• There are no ‘Winners’ and ‘Losers’ in family law – Do not regard the resolution of matters as a business transaction. In fact, do not regard it as a transaction at all.  It is not about winning or losing but instead the focus should be upon achieving a fair outcome and one which meets both of your needs and those of your children, with  regard to your particular circumstances.  Do not forget any discussions and agreements that you had, either during your relationship or at the point of separation, and remember, if you do decide to take legal points to achieve what you perceive to be a better outcome for you, then that is likely to come at the cost of lengthy and costly proceedings as well as causing animosity and bad feeling which will affect not just you and your ex but also those around you.

• Take time/do not act with undue haste.  You and your former partner are likely to be in very different emotional places at the start of any formal process, particularly if the separation has come about because of an affair, or came completely out of the blue to one spouse.  That spouse is likely to feel angry, hurt, betrayed, upset, lost, depressed and if steps to address matters are foisted upon someone with those feelings their initial reaction may be to ignore matters due to a feeling of hopelessness, which in turn may lead to resentment. Over time feelings of hurt, anger and grief diminish, and that person feels more able to address the future, and to make positive decisions.  I therefore always advise enabling the other spouse to “catch up” emotionally.

• Support/counselling can be so helpful.  This could be joint counselling which enables a couple to acknowledge the feelings and impact that their separation/the breakdown in the marriage has upon each other.  That acknowledgement and understanding should assist in better communication and constructive discussions and so contribute to a consensual resolution.  Individual counselling can also help you to think positively about your new future.  If counselling is not your thing then maybe to speak to friends.  Their support will be invaluable but don’t forget that they are more likely to tell you what you want to hear.

• Knowledge is Power – I always suggest seeking legal advice from a specialist family lawyer early on. Invest in that early information-gathering exercise. Knowing the possible outcome and parameters in your particular circumstance is crucial to constructive discussion, but you need to provide clear and accurate information to your solicitor.  That early advice will also remove uncertainty which many people feel at the outset. An unknown future is scary, even frightening to many, and that fear often leads to a paralysis and is the reason behind a lack of engagement. Information is key and realistic specialist support and advice should facilitate collaborative, positive discussions. A solicitor will also be able to guide you through the various ways in which a resolution can be reached whether that is through solicitors, mediation, direct discussions or seeking what we lawyers refer to as an early neutral evaluation. Court proceedings should always be the last resort and my hope is that, having regard to the above pointers, that can be avoided. 

• Do not transfer your anxiety/ anger to your children. If you have school-age children, you need to cooperate and agree the child arrangements and ensure that their transition between homes is smooth and will, at least appear to them, to be natural.  When agreeing these arrangements the children’s interests and welfare need to be put first. The children will look to you for ‘permission’ to enjoy their time with the other parent.  It should not be seen as a competition as to how much time the children spend with each of you, nor should the arrangements ever be considered having regard to possible financial consequences.  So many adults, whose parents separated when they were young, talk about how upsetting it was to see or be aware of their parents arguing and bickering about the time they were to spend with each parent or being dropped off or picked up outside of a parents’ home. This can impact significantly on their own relationships.  There is a lot of information about the impact of a difficult marital breakdown upon the welfare and mental health of children and therefore please aim to take all steps to ensure that children develop with emotional strength and resilience, children being assured that they are loved and wanted by both and feel part of each of their parent’s family. Try not to criticise the other parent in the children’s presence; again this impacts on the children’s self-worth. They are part of each of you. You chose to have children with this person. Do not drag the children into your adult dispute, or pass messages to the parent through them. Let them enjoy their childhood.