I’m Nervous About Mediation

It is natural to feel nervous about seeing your former partner in a joint mediation session, whether it is online or face to face.

If there has been an abusive relationship, including coercive control, then you might need to have shuttle mediation, or your lawyer present or mediation might not be suitable because you cannot articulate your own needs.

However, many people feel that they are on the borderline of mediation being suitable and, for all the obvious benefits of time and cost, want to try mediation to see if it will work for them. So how can you best protect yourself in mediation and get the best out of it?

An experienced mediator should put everyone at ease and allow each participant to have an equal say and be encouraged to put their point across. Help should be given to set out and summarise what each person is seeking and wants to achieve in a calm and structured environment.

However, it is very common in mediation to revert to the way of relating to one another that drove you to separate in the first instance and sessions can be hard to progress. This is where a divorce coach comes in as they can help you anticipate some of the patterns of communications that might arise and how to deal with it.

They can also prepare you emotionally for how you might feel and how to overcome nerves and continue to think clearly.

There are many good coaches in the area who can help and Christine Plews recently met with Vanessa White who has worked with many clients who feel anxious about mediation, and worry that their emotions will undermine their ability to advocate for themselves. She explains that this nervousness is totally understandable. It is a natural response to being placed into a dynamic where old communication patterns and emotional triggers can resurface. Preparation is the key to helping alleviate the worry of mediation.

Vanessa highlights that people often focus on the practical preparation for mediation, documents, finances, and proposals, without giving the same attention to their emotional readiness. Yet mediation can activate a stress response, making it harder to think clearly, express needs confidently, or remain grounded when discussions become challenging. This is where she comes in to help clients before, during and after mediation.

From her coaching perspective, Vanessa encourages clients to prepare emotionally, as well as practically. This includes reflecting in advance on what they find most difficult when communicating with their former partner, identifying personal triggers, and considering how they tend to respond under pressure. This could even be through role play exercises. Becoming aware of these patterns allows clients to recognise what is happening in the moment, rather than feeling overwhelmed by it. She also reassures clients that asking for a pause, seeking clarification or taking time to reflect are all valid and constructive parts of the process.

Vanessa also emphasises the importance of ‘aftercare’. Mediation sessions can be emotionally draining and clients benefit from planning selfcare — whether that is space to decompress, a walk, or talking things through with a trusted person. This helps restore balance and reduces the likelihood of making reactive decisions going forward, simply to bring mediation to an end.  When clients have divorce coaching support alongside mediation, they often feel more confident, emotionally steadier, and better able to engage in the process on their own terms, which should enable a good outcome for both parties.

If you would like support through you separation and believe mediation and divorce couch could help support you through this difficult time, you can reach out Christine at cp@blanchardslaw.co.uk or Vanessa at coaching@vanessawhite.co.uk