Relationship Break Down: The Emotional Impact on Parents and Children

The end of a relationship can bring intense emotional upheaval for everyone involved.  This effect is not limited to the person who feels left behind, it can be just as profound for the person who made the decision to leave.

When children are involved, separation does not end the parental relationship. Instead, it changes its nature often at a time when emotions are raw and communication is at its most fragile.

Parenting After Separation & New Partners

Separation does not remove the need to communicate. Parents must still make choices together, which can be far more difficult once the sense of security in the relationship has gone.

Some parents are able to agree where a child will live and how time will be shared, yet still find themselves in conflict over specific decisions affecting their child, for example:

• Medical issues, such as whether a child should be vaccinated
• Holidays or taking a child abroad
• A parent wishing to take a child to stay with extended family for a period of time
• The introduction of a new partner to the child

When one parent introduces a new partner to a child without discussion the other parent may feel anxious, fearful or excluded, particularly if they know little or nothing about that person. This reaction is often driven by a genuine desire to protect the child, but it can be interpreted by the other parent as control or interference. These misunderstandings can intensify tensions and add to the strain of separation.

Where possible and where it feels safe and appropriate, arranging to meet a new partner can sometimes help to reduce anxiety. This is not easy and will not be right in every case, but having information and reassurance can prevent assumptions from taking hold and conflict from escalating.

The Impact on Children

Children are often far more aware than parents realise. Even where they do not openly express distress, they can pick up on tension, disagreement, and changes in tone or behaviour. Some children internalise this stress, while others may show it through changes in behaviour, sleep, school performance or overall wellbeing.

While parents who are together may argue and then resolve issues privately, when communication breaks down or is limited to text message or through third parties, those same issues feel more serious.

When Social Services Become Involved

In highly charged situations, parents may make decisions quickly, sometimes out of fear or feeling under pressure but with the sole intention of protecting their child(ren). In those moments, it is easy to respond in a way you might not ordinarily while simply trying to do what feels right.

The BBC drama film Lollipop powerfully demonstrates how quickly situations can intensify and how difficult it can be for families to step out of the child protection process once concerns are raised.  It highlights the considerable pressure this can place on parents and children alike even where harm was never intended.

If an allegation of harm is made, social services have a legal duty to act. This may result in a section 47 investigation, which is undertaken where there is reasonable cause to suspect that a child may be suffering, or is likely to suffer, significant harm.

A section 47 investigation typically involves:

• Interviews with parents and the child
• Contact with schools, GPs and other professionals
• An assessment of risk and safety

The investigations are usually carried out over several weeks. Outcomes may range from no further action to ongoing support, or in some cases the issuing of court proceedings and the appointment of a children’s guardian whose role is to independently represent the child’s best interests and advise the court.  Under section 20 Children Act 1989 a child can be accommodated by the Local Authority under a voluntary agreement with the parent who has parental responsibility, while concerns are assessed. The Local Authority must consider the wishes and feelings of the child, and any relevant person before providing accommodation. The Local Authority must ensure the child is safe and looked after but cannot make major decisions about the child’s life without parental agreement, unless urgent action is needed.

Social Services involvement does not automatically mean removal of a child; their role is to assess risk. Engaging calmly, seeking legal advice early and focusing discussions on the child’s welfare can make a difference.

What Can Be Done to Resolve Disputes?

Mediation
Family mediation can help parents communicate more effectively and resolve disputes with the support of a neutral professional. Mediation can be particularly helpful where parents agree on the importance of their child’s welfare but are struggling to trust each other’s decisions. It is often a constructive way to stop disputes from worsening.

Court Applications
Where agreement cannot be reached, the court can be asked to intervene, including through:

• Child Arrangements Orders, which set out where a child lives and how much time they spend with each parent.
• Specific Issue Orders where parents cannot agree a major decision relating to their child’s welfare for example medical treatment, schooling, or if a child should be taken out of the jurisdiction for a holiday.
• Prohibited Steps Orders to prevent certain actions, such as taking a child abroad without consent, or prohibiting a child’s removal from school until the matter is determined by the court

The court’s focus is always the child’s welfare.

Parental Responsibility

Understanding Parental Responsibility is crucial. Parental responsibility means having the legal right to be involved in important decisions about a child’s life, including medical treatment, education, travel and religion.

A parent without parental responsibility may not automatically be consulted about these decisions.

The birth mother automatically has parental responsibility. The child’s father or second mother automatically shares parental responsibility if married/civil partners at the time of the birth.

A parent who does not have parental responsibility can acquire parental responsibility in a number of ways including by entering into a parental responsibility agreement, obtaining a court order for parental responsibility, or by obtaining an order for the child to live with them (Child arrangements live with order). An unmarried father or mother can acquire parental responsibility by being named on the birth certificate at the time of registration (for an unmarried father for births registered after 01 December 2003, and for an unmarried non civil mother for births from 06 April 2009 or under S43 Human Fertilisation and Embryology Act 2008

Taking a child abroad:

If a parent with parental responsibility takes a child out of the country without the consent of everyone else with parental responsibility, or without a court order, this is a criminal offence of child abduction. The position can differ slightly if there is a Child Arrangements Order stating that the child lives with that parent, but consent or court permission is still often required.

If you are worried a child may be taken abroad without your agreement, you can:

• Try to resolve the issue through discussion or mediation
• Seek urgent legal advice
• Apply for a Prohibited Steps Order to prevent the child being taken out of the jurisdiction

Support Not Conflict

Separation puts parents under enormous emotional pressure. Feelings of fear, grief, guilt, anger, and uncertainty can cloud judgment, even when intentions are loving and parents are just trying to do what is right.  Understanding your options, and seeking support early whether emotional, legal or practical can help reduce the risk of situations compounding and most importantly can protect children from being caught in the middle of adult conflict.

No parent enters separation wanting harm or conflict. With the right guidance, it is often possible to find a way forward that supports both parents and allows children to feel safe, secure and loved. If you would like support through your relationship breakdown, contact us or call 0333446302 today.